I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.