I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You Might Also Like
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If only.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
wishing you and yours all the best
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!