I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
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It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
