Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*