Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

i wish i could marry a nap