Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes