I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.