I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
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when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
October already? What’s next? November????
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her