Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey, bring out the fine china.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

My work here is done

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.