I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
im all 3
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something