I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)