I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
