I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one