Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids