Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Lassie, get help!

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.