Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.