Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.