Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”