I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
You Might Also Like
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Basically, any European coat of arms:
