I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.