I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Go gym
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Children of the Corn Man
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.