I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
no one ever comes back
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*pronounces patio like ratio
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.