I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Love is always patient and kind.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate