Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you’re not the father

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

They’re stuck in your pants?

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever