I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
You Might Also Like
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
The devil.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…