I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
You Might Also Like
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year