Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.