“I took care of your clown problem.”
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?