“I took care of your clown problem.”
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
cry laughing at this shit
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.