I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.