I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.