I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I love texting my boyfriend
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
He instantly became one of the bros
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
