I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
