I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
problems i need
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!