I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
when dads have a rap battle
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
