Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Help

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

do u think theres a butter planet?

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.