Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position