The key to breaking bones is to make sure they are someone else’s.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]
Me: what have you been up to in there?
Lion: Narnia business
me: i can’t see you anymore
her: omigod why not
me: i can’t find my glasses
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues