I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.


I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise


[sees a lion and a witch come out of a wardrobe]

Me: what have you been up to in there?

Lion: Narnia business


me: i can’t see you anymore

her: omigod why not

me: i can’t find my glasses


I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁


I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce


My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.