My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider: drink me
DATING TIP: Girls like bad boys! Brag about your Twitter gang.
My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.