John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass