Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor