Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.