I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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A great tip. #CakeRex
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔