Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.