Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.