I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually