I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*looks at you in batman voice*
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.