Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

ㅤ

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

This guy’s not having it 😆

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.