I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*