I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”