I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”