I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
no regrets
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.