Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

mmm onion ringos

This kid will have a bright future.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Truly one of the great bangers

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend