Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity