Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Why soy sad?

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Left at a local drug store…

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.