Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal