Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

put ‘er there pardner!

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad