Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

need a new bf mines broken 😐

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

i want it utterly assaulted.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.