Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

Never let them know your next move 😂

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/