I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’ve been learning to cook.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.