Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.