I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
You Might Also Like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
happy mother’s day❤️
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Thaw me like one of your french fries
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day