I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I just ran a .003048K
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.