Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”