i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
You Might Also Like
me in a relationship:
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Toxic snake
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”