i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
It’s an epidemic…
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213