i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Hmmmmmmm….
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.