I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”đ
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you donât know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it wonât happen again.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didnât want to be judged, so Iâm tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when sheâs gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
me: Iâm going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: Iâm going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Iâve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places itâs perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
person Iâve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp thatâs not human: follow me back please!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, âwould you still love me if I was a lamp?â
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite wellâŚreally good footballin’
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
if youâre a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, âbaby.â a baby wouldnât do that
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
