I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
If looks could kill
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I identify as an antique shop.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
