I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, âbecause you ordered a BLT with cheese?âđ
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
âHi can I have Lall Tatte?â
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: thatâs for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees donât sting jellyfish
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I donât know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The word âkaraokeâ comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: âgo home, youâre drunk.â
One bough breaks centuries ago and now itâs âuncouthâ to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently âbuy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragonâ was an incorrect response so idk.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: Iâve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: Youâre allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so itâs a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesnât have all the answers. Itâs in godâs hands.
If I had a pizza place Iâd continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My teen doesnât like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so Iâm like who died and made you boss?
I hate it when Iâm at work and someone asks âare you at free at the moment?â. Please expand further so I can know if Iâm free or not.
Me: Iâve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
âi work from homeâ: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
âi practically live at the officeâ: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Iâm like a cheetah, but slow.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Ratatouille (2007) â A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employerâs kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasnât shown up in two weeks.
Iâm not worried tho. Iâm sure heâll resurface one day.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isnât just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Plot twist: The Rock isnât Kid Rockâs real dad.
Him: I canât sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I canât sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep downâŚâŚ
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Iâm looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
YeaâŚsure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
âNoâ
What?
âYou canât sit in the Kangaroos pouchâ
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Her: I love you
Me: Whatâd I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, whatâd you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT