I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Netflix and awkward silence?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.