I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
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If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.