I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Twitter fine art
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.