Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

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Ffs laughed out loud 😂

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

🙀🙀🙀😹

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

This is true.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.