I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?